The last 24 hours in my life is going to remain the most grievous phase of my life. I realised that grief actually strikes in patterns. While it is striking me sometimes violently like the high tides, looming me into a state of sorrow, with memories of my childhood flashing repeatedly before my eyes, remembering all the finest details of my uncle which i realise have remained etched in my subconscious mind. Or sometimes grief strikes me like the calm waters, a disturbing silence where i m trying to find some justice to the fact that he was snatched away suddenly from our lives.
I do not know how many of you believe in aura that a person embodies. It is a strange energy we humans create. Some people’s presence makes us happy, some make us nervous and some make us sad. Every time he walked into the room, all he brought was lots of positivity. I still remember that day as a little girl when i was terribly sick with jaundice and my uncle had come to see me. I was lying in my mom’s lap in our little flat, he walked in and he said “ you look fine, and told me such illness only make me stronger”. There was some magic in those words and i was already up and running by the time he left back to his home that day. He had a positive energy that was contagious and just filled the room with it.
Whenever there was any slight distress in my family, be it financial lows or health issues, he always stood there at our doorstep to help us face the low. He was not someone who emoted a lot or spoke emotional stuff, He was more a man of action rather than someone with empty words or false promises. A perfect brother for my mom and a supportive brother-in-law to my dad and a loving uncle to me and my brother. Growing up he was someone i looked up to as a father figure, with lots of respect and love. There are very few people i love and respect after my dad and he is one of them.
When my dad first broke me the news that uncle was no more, i literally could feel the world falling apart, my heart racing, i couldn’t feel my feet, and tears just started gushing out of my eyes. I realised that this is how a person feels when they lose a loved one.
Memories of childhood came flashing before my eyes, his home was a holiday home for me and my brother. Whenever we had holidays, we ended up in my uncle’s place. I was always pampered at my uncle’s. It is still fresh in my memory of how i always refused to sleep beside my mom and always crawled into the bed with my aunt with my uncle sleeping in the cot beside us.
He used to play old hindi melodies (M.Rafi and Kishore da) every day in the nights and i loved listening to them. It was the most treasured memory of my life. I still remember listening to Awara hoon - a raj Kapoor classic sung by Mukeshji during one such nights sleeping beside my aunt. The song was so soothing to my ears and remain etched in my memory forever. I still listen to that song when i struggle to sleep at times and it reminds me of my uncle , the tape recorder and his cassettes collection of old Hindi classics.
He had a vivid style of narrating his childhood stories, his eyes always lit up and he shook with excitement while he narrated those stories, no matter how many ever times he repeated it, it always felt new and i always listened to it with awe. He also drew wonderful cartoons or caricatures that made me admire his talent.
I remember holding his hand and making trip to the grocery store during our weekend stay at his place. And the last time he really held my hand was when he came to pick me up almost a decade ago when i used to work for a company in the outskirts of the city i lived in. My office bus used to drop me late in the night and when my dad was away due to a family emergency, he picked me up and walked me home through the remote deserted streets at night. I am always terrified of crossing busy roads and he held my hand to help me cross. I have been so naive that i have taken for granted that my uncle was going to be there forever.
Life throws a hard reality that people you love and care for truly can be snatched away in a second and that we should never miss a moment to convey the affection and respect that you have treasured for a person. Over the years as we grew up, our families drifted apart as we moved to different cities and i moved away from India after my marriage. Though i always enquired about his well being to my mom, i deeply regret for not having called myself and asked how he was. Today i realised that i always had his number stored in my mobile, then why didn’t i ever call??
Putting myself to sleep yesterday was the toughest and when i finally slept and woke up, the first thing that hit me hard was i was waking up to a world without my uncle in it. He has created a void with his demise and its now going to stay forever along with my regrets. A man who was extremely disciplined, a hardworking honest human, who had an aura of positivity and always stood as a pillar of support is no more. I wish i had the power to erase 3rd of march from 2021 so that u would be still be amidst us, at least i would have lived here knowing that you were happy and enjoying your morning walk in the other side of the world.
But all i can say now is to Rest in peace. You have done well, made good memories, touched our lives in a positive way and been the best Human i know. Every one is going to feel the void of your absence in our family for many more ages to come. Like someone rightly said that one can never stop grieving but time helps us to learn to live with it. But life is never going to be the same again without you in it my dear uncle.
P.S : The worst part of it is i m left alone in other side of the world to grieve all by myself. And this write up is a way to try to process my grief, a vain attempt to try to bring a closure to console myself.
